You are not a "Pimp"

Based on a recent article in "Pimps Business Weekly", the use of the term “Pimp” has increased exponentially in the last five years. Okay, so I made that up (gotcha!), but you had to have had your head stuck under a glacier with earplugs since 2000 (maybe you went just a little too far in Y2K preparations) to not have noticed how everyone … and I mean just about everyone, is using the term “Pimp” these days. Pimp my ride. Pimp my house. Pimp my golf cart. Pimp my jet. Pimp my apple pie (actually, that sounds kinda good). I swear I saw some old lady on the corner of Columbia and Union the other day with 20 inch rims on her walker wheels. Sure enough, someone who was my age probably around the time that platinum was invented had pimped her walker.

I, for one, am tired of it. A pimp is a person that takes money from people who engage in prostitution. That’s pretty simple. Then how, in goodness name, did the meaning of “Pimp” spread. This is NOT PIMP. Not pimpped at school. This – not pimp (notice the rural, I’m actually in Appalachia, and not in the streets of Gotham, background with the not-pimp Cheve Silvarado dual cab). Not pimp (I’m not even sure if this is human). And, maybe, oh, still not “pimp” (you thought I was kidding about the walker).



Okay, pop quiz. Is this a pimp (I swear this image came up when I typed “Pimp” into the search engine). What about this. I’m not sure about “American Pokeman Pimp” (I’m not putting the link on here, ‘cause there’s some not so family friendly stuff on there, but check it out on youtube if interested). None of this is “pimp”, because pimps don’t spend their time making youtube movies. If they did, they’d be some sort of less pimped, youtube inclined, entity.

Above and beyond that, pimping isn’t all that cool. Sure, you’ve got the parties. And the ladies. And the outfit. But, consider the downsides. The hours you’de have to keep are ridiculous. Worker attrition rates – horrible. Gotten used to vacations – forget about it, someone’s bound to take your turf while you’re away. And, no health care – you think you can go around abusing people all day without catching some karma upside your head one day? Injuries come with the territory, and when you do need to go to the emergency room, you’ll look awfully silly trying to pay for an x-tray with five dollar bills. All this, above an beyond the fact that pimps tend to be violent, use drugs, and base all their relationships off of … well manipulation and exploitation.

So what’s the point? IF YOU ARE READING THIS, THERE’S A VERY HIGH LIKELIHOOD THAT YOU’RE NOT A PIMP! Furthermore, you’re friend is not a pimp. That new car your friend’s dad got – not pimp. That really cool basketball move that got pulled on you that made you fall down and embarrass yourself – not pimp. And, that rendition of the first four measures of “Fur Elise” that your little sister just learned how to play on the piano (and oh does she play it – whenever there’s house guests, whenever you’re in public and see a keyboard; four measures, over and over and over), definitely, unequivocally, without a doubt, I’m not talking weapons-of-mass destruction sure, but sure for sure, IS NOT PIMP.

Get a clue, cease and desist your pimp obsession (oh, and buy this t-shirt).